When I think about cheating…

In speaking with a pal recently, we began discussing cheating. Doesn’t really matter the context if you ask me… cheating is cheating regardless if it’s cheating in a relationship , cheating the IRS, cheating while playing Monopoly; hell even cheating the folks at fast food chains when they give you too much money back- it’s all the same. Cheaters succinctly suck the big one.

Here’s why… (for point of reference, let’s use the relationship cheater). So you meet and hook up with someone. Eventually at some point you start to think, “HEY.. this could be IT… the ONE!!” Over time, insidious as cancer, things start to not add up (I don’t care how careful you are to hide it eventually the truth is coming out) and you give the benefit of the doubt (“Nooooo… not them.” What you really mean is: “I can’t believe this shit’s happening to me.” and you begin contemplating buying Ben & Jerry’s Chunky Monkey in gallons and Kleenex in vast quantities if you’re not already thinking about immediate revenge.) Meanwhile, while they’re out getting a nut, you’re by yourself trying to make yourself better (whatever that may mean to you) and wondering, “When did this happen?”, “What did I do?”, “Why am I so unlovable?” and “When did they stop loving me?”

Thing is cheating is bullshit. The cheater is the one with the “issues” but instead of confronting the problem head-on (excuse the pun) they foist all of this incredible crap on to someone else (regardless if the non-cheater person is an asshole or not) to deal with. I’ve heard the same BS from just about everyone: “I would never cheat on someone.” Next thing you know they have their legs in the air saying, “Spank me harder bebe” next to the empty milk crates in the back of the Piggly Wiggly. Thing is, do we actually BELIEVE the bullshit that we’re selling to each other? I firmly believe that it takes more balls to tell someone (to borrow a phrase), “I’m just not that into you” anymore and be done with it. WHAM! Hurts like hell, you move on- you may even actually respect the person for being straight up with you about it in the first place. I know I would. Instead here’s what “we” do: Lie. Yup, lie; and not just lie but lies with FLAIR! “No bebe… I don’t know them… S/He’s a stalker!” or some other stupid, vapid bullshit that when the potential for emotional injury comes up we actually believe, or try very hard to believe at any rate (denial can be a beautiful thing).

So what happens next? You find out that it’s true. Then comes the fun part- this is where a vast majority seek years of psychological therapy or contemplate and finalize plans for going completely batshit postal on someone. Instead of the cheater being the only one with real baggage in this fucked up relationship, they provide a “carry-on” bag for someone else. So here is this poor SOB totin’ the “What’s wrong with me?” and the “no trust” carry-on that they will literally carry for most of their collective lives while the cheater continues sharing with the “world.” Amazingly enough, the cheaters baggage never lightens. This can go on for YEARS depending on the non-cheater and how desparate they are to stay in a relationship for whatever freaking reason… meanwhile… the cheater is out frolicking…

I think more people try and define a line, “What is considered cheating?” Here’s my take and it’s worth what you’re paying for it (nuttin- opinions are cost-competitive. I’ll trade mine for yours): Thinking about cheating IS cheating… if you’re thinking about it, you’re pretty damned close to hatching a plan and following through with it. In which case, I believe not only that you’re an asshole by default but that your should have to wear an obligatory sign around your neck for all to be both warned and to bear witness that you’re wearing emotional spiderman/barbie underroo’s and can’t be trusted to act like a grown up big person. Thing is folks, the grass ain’t greener on the other side, the grass may just be mowed alittle different.

Lastly, WTF is up with women literally fist-fighting over some hosebag that’s cheating on both of them? If given time, neither would actually want his sorry ass unless he was a millionaire with a 12″ gold phallus. Instead they’re fightin over some one-toothed, no job, ass-pickin’, backwater jacklipped asshole that lisps the handful of words that he does know (he can’t spell ‘em but he can sound ‘em out phonectically because he heard ‘em on daytime TV).

Having said that: What’s your definitive, deal-breaking, cheating line in the sand?

On Being Unromantic

So the honey comes home last night from work approaches me with his hands behind his back. He says, “Close your eyes I got something for you!”
Dutifully I close my eyes and wait for him to tell me to look.

“Open ‘em!” he exclaims downright gleefully. “Happy Valentines Day!” (which, it was Wednesday the 12th but whatever).

I don’t know what exactly I was expecting but I do know that I was definitely not expecting what I got. Because yanno, nothing says “I Love You Honey” like a box of “Hot Dipped Galvantized Nails.”

Who Knew?

Your International Spy Name is Honey Swan

Your Code Name: The Bamboo You Reside in: Miami Why You’re a Good Spy: You’re a good lover

What’s Your International Spy Name?

Rockin’ New Years 09

Out of sight out of mind, right? Hopefully Christmas and New Years were good to you and yours– happy, healthy and all of that.  For me, Christmas was busier than a cat covering up shit on a marble floor here as my “vacation” consisted of cooking 3 meals for everyone, playing with one 5 year old, carting the teenager all over God’s creation to see his “people” and going behind all of them putting stuff back where it’s supposed to go, not tripping over toys left on the floor, picking up dirty clothes left where they were taken off, putting up (& taking down the day after) Christmas decorations, etc. ad nauseum. Here’s a run down of what occupied everyone else:

•  ”B” occupied hisself sitting on the sofa eating, drinking beer/bourbon (ewwww) and watching parades and football. Which by the way– who the hell watches a WHOLE 4 hour parade and WHY? I’d just as soon get my eye poked out with an ice pick than sit for an indeterminant amount of time watching floats go by– gimme a wrap up for the love of all that’s holy. Consistently he said, “Aren’t you glad you get to ‘chill out?’” I thought I would like to pull off his lips at that moment.
• Teen was busy not being home apparently as I was “afforded” the opportunity to cart his nappy ass all over our fair city and/or have his friends over here (which isn’t bad but just BUSY).  Teens being who and what they are– nothing is apparently planned or has much forthought– so everything is “spontaneous.” It was like trying to herd crickets.
• Lil person (my 5 year old) has more toys than Carter has little pills but apparently needs me to play them with him… or constantly remind him as I stroll room to room to PLEASE PICK UP THE TOYS IF YOU ARE DONE PLAYING WITH THEM.

School starts on Tuesday this week. I can’t wait. I mean it. Why Tuesday? Because apparently the teachers need to have a freakin’ work day– never mind that I have to pay for the whole freakin’ week at daycare because the teachers (or whomever) can’t get their collective shit together to start work on a Monday after a 3 WEEK hiatus. I have to go to work however– guess it continually sucks to be me. I believe this is the dumbest bullshit I’ve ever seen. There may be a conspiracy between the school system and day care providers. Either way your ass is at their disposal.

I love these folks I live with but I can’t stand having them all home 24/7… so I can’t wait for the work/school routine to be restarted here in a couple of days. ::SIGH::

Long story short:

• Guitar Hero rocks. I’m addicted.
• Does anyone understand exactly why Israel has invaded Gaza? I mean really understand it and can provide a BRIEF synopsis here (like 30 words or less)?
• Wanted a spa certificate for Christmas from “B” what I got was a kitchen faucet. But it’s nice and it looks pretty. Apparently “B” feels that he’s wasting his money getting a certificate for someone to “rub your back when I can do it just as good.” No you can’t and besides that usually leads to other things– which is how we got Lil Person.

So New Years Eve. I was asked how we spent it– did we go out or stay in? Here’s what we did. “B” felt compelled to have us all meet some folks that he’s known since high school to celebrate New Years Eve with them and some other folks. We were going to their house and they were going to have a bonfire. So we went. Suffice it to say that cleaning was NOT a priority (hell I don’t even think it was in their vocabulary) for them– at all.  Everyone there seemed a little more than cautious about where to sit and what to drink/eat out of while we were there. Note to self: When you see the cat on the table eating the food out of the cooking pan on the stove (“Oh, ya’ll don’t mind her– she’ll move when you’re ready to serve yourself”) or the dog (who was flea encrusted and smelled like the dead cow she drug from the field to home several days prior)– sits on the sofa next to you biting fleas and licking their butt much to the amusement of its owner– it’s going to be a “rockin’ New Years!” My little one, after scraping 1/4 inch or more of dust off their TV set, exclaimed with total disgust to all present: “THIS PLACE IS NASTY!” The bathroom– when I could no longer hold it & doing the proverbial “teetee dance”– was something to behold as well. I don’t understand how someone could possibly get all the dirt off of them (get clean) in a bathtub/shower that dirty. On the way home my teen said, “It’s like you say Momma…”: You may can’t help being poor– ain’t nothing wrong with that– but you CAN help being clean.” Note to self: Teen actually listened. On the “fun side” when they lit the bonfire they did it by shooting firecrackers into it and lighting a “trail” to the bonfire with gasoline (YES! Safe fire lighting!!!) and the electrician-friend wired up firecrackers to go off a timed intervals (that periodically scared the crap out of all of us except the amused electrician since none of us or the kids were anticipating it–except him. You would’ve thunk “Fire in the hole” or something for the love of God. Most of the kids gravitated back inside after a while to play Guitar Hero (I figured it may be safer as well so I went with ‘em). There is a difference between “redneck” and “white trash.” When the shindig was over we all came home, immediately took a bath and washed our clothes. So woohoo!

Reflections

‘Tis the time of year to “reflect.” So here are some reflections for you to consider:

What’s up with the new corporate “buzzword” granularity/granular?

It’s been “buzzing” around for a couple of months now. It makes me think of sugar– which is probably not the desired effect. I guess people need to have a new way to say the same thing but I fail to understand what’s wrong with saying what you mean and ::GASP!:: meaning what you say? I’ve been in the “workforce” for 30 some odd years and the last 10 years or so have been filled with corporate buzzwords (“buzzkill” if you ask me). I don’t know what’s worse: the “old” CEO/VP using these words in a last ditch effort to be “young and hip” or the 20-30 year old trying to confuse the older generation by being “young and hip.” What it all totals up to be is bullshit no matter how you slice or dice it.

What really annoys me is that within a company we sputter so much bullshit to customers without even thinking much less have a product that backs up what we sell. We push inferior products out to customers (it seems but what the hell do I know) that do not work completely (that’s the key word), correctly (another key word) or as designed (if anyone actually knows what the hell “it” is supposed to do in the first place).  I’m having difficulty (I guess because I’m an old fart) reconciling that we are delivering quantity before quality. Yes it’s wonderful to have more options to provide; however, it ain’t so awesome when we end up having to go back and fix the product/options since they weren’t completely ready to be rolled out in the first place. It’s like the old Abbott & Costello routine, “Who’s On First?”  All “slick” on the customer side but it’s like the Keystone Cops on the backend. Silly me, I think what we promise and what customers pay for should be exactly what is delivered.  Otherwise it’s nothing but a farce. So there’s some “granularity” for ya. Just “Fix It!… FIX IT NOW!”

Christmas shopping in a depression. You can call it a “recession” but from where I’m sitting it’s a depression. It’s going to be a hard-candy Christmas this year for us and for a lot of folks I imagine. Folks are feeling the financial pinch in the wallet and it’s going to be hard to let those dollars go to superfluous things (as we are used to) like a $300 IPOD I-Touch. My oldest believes with his whole heart that when he turns 16 in April that he’ll be getting a car. I’ve repeatedly told him that he’ll be lucky if he’s allowed to drive the beater car that I have much less have one of his own. There’s simply NO WAY (and what gives with the sense of entitlement anyhow? I never got a car on my 16th birthday. I had to wait until I was in my 20’s to actually have a car of my own and even then it was “new to me”). I guess he’s like a lot of other teenagers out there– getting caught up in what the Jones’ have (or not) and it’s imperiative (at least in his perspective) that he has whatever “it” thing too.  Normally I don’t really mind– it’s part of it; but I do believe when I’ve explained our finances to him that there’s also some understanding on his behalf. I don’t blame him for wanting though (I’d like to have a couple of million dollars but I don’t see that happening real soon either).  My little one helped decorate the tree this year. He also “redecorates” it every night. All of the ornaments are at his eye level ringed around the tree (Memo to self: Take a picture of this).

Have I done my Christmas shopping? Umm… no. I haven’t really started quite frankly. I think I’ve bought one Christmas present. I know I know, “tic-toc” there’s only 20 more days until the fat man cometh and no one wants to wake up with a wrapped “IOU.”

I got a hoot and a hollar out of watching the “Secret Millionaire” last night. The premise and the reactions of the Richie Richs seemed genuine and I believe that the intent is good but I had to laugh at some of the comments. One guy and his wife went from (self-admittedly) dropping 5K on a dinner to eating Vienna Sausages and wondering “how are we going to make it 6 days?!” We watched them purchase groceries and fill that cart up– bless their hearts– with “expensive” stuff that “po” folk generally don’t buy unless there’s company coming (like fruit and “high dollar” beer). We discussed what would’ve been in our grocery cart for those 6 days and it consisted of bread, mayo, mustard, bologna/pre-processed lunch meat, a bag or 2 of potato chips, hot dogs and buns & cleaning supplies. They spent amost $100 of their $107 that was allocated. We estimated that we would’ve spent perhaps $50 at most and had some left over to decorate the RV with some Christmas lights that would bring home the “redneck” appeal in all of us. I also kind of wanted the preacher when they informed him that they lied to him all week, to say, “YOU ARE LIARS! I do not want your money!!” but that was wishful thinking. If asked I’m sure he’d suggest that he was practicing “not for profit” forgiveness. What I wanna know is how the “poor” folks not guess that there is something afoot? The millionaire folks are followed with cameras and the cameras seem to zoom in on the poor folks reactions– how could this possibly get by anyone and have them still be surprised (“OH MY GOSH! WE’RE ON TV? I DIDN’T KNOW!”).

This time of year also makes me think of my childhood. My grandad, for me, was Christmas. He died over 10 years ago. On that day, my childhood died too.  I still miss him a lot. It doesn’t get any easier with time either. The grief is still there waiting to bubble up and over– simmering near the surface– every Christmas. So many things trigger the boil over: the thought of “family” together at Christmas; Christmas hymns/carols (specifically: “O Holy Night” still makes me just bawl); ambrosia (this is nectar of the Gods I tell ya) spiked egg nog (reminds me of the time that my grandad spiked the egg nog with a teench too much nog and wayyyy not enough egg) and the thought of reindeer on the roof (he would climb on their roof when we were little and stomp around with bells so that we thought it was Santa Claus waiting on us to go to sleep) and the story, “‘Twas The Night Before Christmas” that he read to all of the little ones. He LOVED Christmas and he LOVED being around his family at Christmas. I miss how he used to make Christmas magical for all of us. I try to make Christmas the “hap-hap-happiest time of the year” for my kids but it’s just not. I just believe that this will be something that just “is” and that I will have to deal with. There’s no magic pill to swallow or “thing” to do to make it better. As I decorate the house & tree for Christmas it’s like time peels back and allows wisps of what used to be; it’s bittersweet.

Being in a long-term relationship I’ve found is a concerted and conscious effort to make the decision– sometimes daily (or hourly)– to simply stay in it in spite of the overwhelming tendency at times to say, “Screw it.” So on those “run like hell” days I’ve adopted a mantra line uttered by Scarlett O’Hara, “Tomorrow is another day…”  I still don’t understand (and probably never will) my SO’s tendency to use a plethora of glassware throughout the day (“That’s not the right one for what I’m drinking!”) or his non-efforts in effectively wringing a washcloth out when he’s done since he complains that after 4 days they smell like mildew (Wonder why?). I don’t understand when he cooks why he has to use every bowl, dish and/or cookware either (His explanation: “It was too big/small” or my favorite: “It wasn’t the right tool”). I’m left to also contemplate how in the name of all that’s holy does water magically appear on the mirror, the counter and the bathroom floor after he washes his hands? I don’t understand how he can complain about the power bill when he’s the first to leave the lights and/or TV on in an unoccupied room routinely but suggests that it’s really due to me “turning up the heat/AC.” All of the little idiosyncracies that make him who he is and who I love but yet some days make me want to stab myself in the eye.

If I don’t post before Christmas (and if there’s actually folks reading this) Merry WhateverHolidayYouCelebrate!

Recently Overheard:

It’s been beautiful fall weather down here (thanks to global warming!) and the leaves are finally starting to change and show their colors. While doing “yard” work the other day I heard the following dialog between neighborhood kids.

Kid1: “What is THAT?”

Kid2: “Looks like dog crap”

Kid1: “Hey..what are you doing?” (Rustling of leaves, pine straw and movement of kids through woods behind my house)

Kid2: “Gettin’ a stick”

Kid1: “Why?”

(momentary silence)

Kid2: “See this? It’s crap on a stick and you know what?”

Kid1: “What?”

Kid2: (low “scary” voice): “It’s doooodooooo and I’m gonnnnaaaa puttttt it onnnnn youuuuuuu.”

(Sudden movement, running)

Kid1: “Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!”

Cautious Change

Bear with the tangental thoughts on this one; I’m sleep deprived, running out of daylight before running out of things to do and never took journalism in high school or college. I’m just the average “Josephine” here with no real interest in grammatically correct sentence structure or writing style (does that mean that by not having one I’ve arbitarily chosen one?) .

I’m really not big on the whole politics thing. I care, don’t get me wrong; however, historically it seems as though we are told what we want to hear, hear what we want to hear and then wonder why we, as a whole, seem betrayed when “they” don’t do what we believed they said they were going to do. Thus– it’s really been about who has lied to us the best and how we deceive ourselves using selective memory/hearing.

What, to me, has been interesting about this particular election is that President-Elect Obama has been a relative “unknown” and thus has shaken it up a little bit. Nevermind the fact that he’s black/Africian-American or whatever the politically correct word is now-a-days (actually I look at it as he’s an American– the rest is actually irrelevant although apparently for some it’s an important distinction to make– so there you go if that is something that’s important to you).  He has, by default, stirred the turd as we say down here in Alabama. I wish him and his family well and I wish America well although I remain slightly cynical that the agenda will be completed in the manner described during his campaign (it would be great if it was! and I will say, I’ll be the first to post a retraction, apology and/or a picture of me eating crow or my foot–if he and his team accomplish what they’ve set out to do. I would also feel the same way if McCain/Palin won as well. I’m an equal opportunity cynic). I voted for Obama/Biden. In the traditionally Republican state of Alabama no less. However, I remain hopeful. I remain hopeful that he and his team can successfully make the changes they’ve described throughout their campaign. I remain hopeful that we can collectively get our shit together as a country. Hope for Change may’ve been a better campaign slogan? So here I am in L.A. (Lower Alabama) with my fingers crossed.

Election Day. I was actually proud. I was proud to see hundreds of people waiting in a line that wrapped around the building where we voted and that it mattered to so many. I was proud to wait for almost 2 hours in that line as we all slowly progressed to cast our ballot. I was proud to share with and to make history as we all stood in that line. People were patient; people were kind… some people were even well prepared (they brought lawn chairs, coffee thermos’ and their breakfast– I wish that I’d thought to do that. And a porta-potty because coffee is a diuretic and that means a really long wait can turn into an interminally long leg crossing “teetee dance” if you know what I mean ). There were young people, the very old and every one inbetween. It was just wonderful to see that it mattered to everyone– that time stood still for a couple of hours– that regardless of whose name was put on their ballot, that we all shared a desire to make a difference one vote at a time. So from that perspective it was awesome. The “teetee dance” was another thing all together.

What is really disconcerting to me is an undertone of “we’ve fixed race relations” now that we’ve elected a President. I don’t know that we’ve done all that. Has the “past” been vindicated and has there been atonement since we’ve elected a “black” (I’m choosing this term because it’s shorter to type… so no disrespect) President? I think with regards to race we are our biggest enemy. Everyone to some degree has been stereotyped, pigeon-holed and biased against based on how they look. What I am tired of is the selection of the race-card when all else seems to fail. No one wants to really talk about it because it makes people uncomfortable. We can’t have it both ways– you can’t ask for diversity and the acceptance of all cultures/races if the “race-card” is played to manipulate the circumstance. If you want a true litmus test of “race relations” go to Walmart. THAT is the state of our union.

Proposition 8 in California (and elsewhere): I think it’s a flippin’ shame that we can’t see that love is love regardless of gender. Doesn’t matter where it comes from… isn’t love a good thing? I was disheartened that people struggle with defining marriage and giving “rights” to gays and lesbians (Aren’t gays and lesbians the same thing? Is that somewhat redundant or is there an actual need to separate the two?). The gay friends that I have have actually been in relationships longer than the straight married folks (who may’ve divorced/remarried several times in the course of one “gay” relationship)– and to deny them that right is, well, wrong.

So change. I embrace it cautiously with a wait and see attitude.

Bail This Out

Watch the video below:

Suppose I go to my bank and request that they “bail me out” of my mortgage/loan. Suppose that they accomodate me and pass the payment of said loan/mortgage along to all of the taxpayers over the next 30 years. Instead of paying bills with the bailout money I received, I decide to have a party to celebrate that I hosed the banks and taxpayers for the next 30 years (as apparently AIG justifies this by saying that it was a party to acknowledge their top performers. HELLO! YOUR COMPANY IS IN THE SHITTER– THERE IS NO REASON TO CELEBRATE!)

What.The.Hell?

Politics Is A Strange Befellow…

A potpourri of politically random thoughts:

Watch the video via YouTube:

It is something to ponder regardless of your political affiliations and I’m betting it would sell a few tickets as well! A new Disney movie starring Sarah Palin!! The protagonist is a lipstick wearing, CFM pump shod, “I can see Russia!” presidential hockey mom with access to nuclear codes. Scary,  funny or both? You decide.

Anyone other than me think that Obama’s presidential theme song should be “Ch-ch-ch-changes?” What ch-ch-ch-changes specifically has he eluded to other than tax increases? Don’t get me wrong McCain is no better or worse.

It’s going to be an interesting VP debate tonight… Joe L who doesn’t know when to STFU and Sarah P who may have John McCain right beside her…

Was it completely appropriate that our Congress took a “holiday” at the crux of the biggest financial hoo-ha since the 1929 Depression? Analogy: “Doctor/Nurse/Fireman/Police/EMT… I’m sick and going to probably die.” MD/RN/Fireman/PoPo/EMT: “I’m SOoooOO sorry but it’s a HOLIDAY– we’ll convene tomorrow to determine your fate if you’re still with us! Have a nice day!” I think everyone of those yahoo’s we’ve all elected should be fired, impeached and/or disbarred (or all of the above).

Doesn’t it make you just feel warm and fuzzy all over? Sleep better at night? Me either. Quite frankly I don’t believe there IS a good candidate this year so I’m going to vote for ME. You can too– just write it in!

Firsts & Lasts

From another journal:

Today is the first day of school down here. My oldest is in his first year of high school as a sophomore and my youngest is in kindergarten (what a continuum!). Today I drove my youngest to school, found the teacher and the classroom (whatta hike!) and the usual smell of chaos, crayola and glue.

My kids are alike in some ways but also incredibly different in others. My oldest wanted to open the door while the car was still moving and jump out to find his own way to his teacher and his classroom in kindergarten without any help or interference on my behalf, thank you very much (this morning: “You want me to drop you off at school Bubba?” “GOD Momma! Are you trying to embarass me?”). My youngest was excited but unbelievably nervous (which is a novelty for him)– so nervous that he got all teary eyed when we got there (perhaps the knowledge that he will have exactly 12 more school  years of this very thing was finally sinking in– that’s what my oldest would’ve said). I couldn’t just leave him like that– so I stayed and “played” with table toys until he and I made new friends (or tried to– seemed like everyone was nervous). The teacher seemed nice but also like she’s experienced (translated means: ain’t going to be putting up with too much shit or flexible).

I have been excited for the little one to go to “big school;” it’s what he and I have spoken of for the last several weeks… it didn’t really hit me that this would be my last time, last “baby” to take to big school until I was leaving. I know now why they have “coffee and kleenex” right next to the cafeteria (why do the school cafeteria’s generally smell like old milk and clorox? Can’t they do something about that? I mean JEEZ)… I didn’t go to this soiree but I’ve thought about it since.

Time goes so fast and it’s so bittersweet.

More questions than answers:

1. Why do the grade schools down here only allow 20 minutes for 500+ parents to get their kids to school?

2. The only way school kids down here know the federal/state holidays by heart is that coincidently is the same day that there is no school (which seems like it’s every other week).

3. Ever think that your kids only get one or two REALLY good teachers during their school years?? I hope the oldest gets one this year and I hope the youngest gets a good one this year too but doesn’t use up his allotment in kindergarten as he’s got a LONG way to go yet.

Heard at my house:

Stinker: “Bubba’s going to ‘High School Musical!”

Bubba: “I am not. You’re going to ‘Baby School.”

Repeat ad nauseum for 10 minutes.

Can’t you feel the love?